Recently, I finally set up this blog for myself, wanting a space of my own to write down what's truly on my mind.
I want to start by talking about a recent, rare experience that allowed me to feel happiness and freedom again.

The Unspoken Suppression and Lack of Freedom

Growing up, I've always been in a rather unique and traditional family environment.
The elders in my family show a special amount of "concern" for me. This kind of concern often feels suffocating, as it's always accompanied by interrogations about my finances, doubts about my social relationships, and even criticism of my personal habits.
Whenever they speak, I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope, needing to be cautious with every single step, terrified that one misstep will cause everything to come crashing down.

This is especially true with my current income; living in a city like Taipei is by no means easy.
However, my elders always have unrealistic "calculations" about my financial situation, casually quoting figures that are completely unattainable for me.
What's worse, they make baseless accusations based on my very private social activities, asking things like, "Are you lending money to someone?" or "Have you been scammed?"
This long-term, accumulated stress feels like an invisible net shrouding my life. I feel incredibly unfree, to the point where simply being myself feels like an extravagant wish.

A Brief Respite and Precious Happiness

Just recently, during a rare long weekend, the elders of my family were away. For me, this was a golden opportunity.
I decided almost immediately to use this break to take a trip to another city to see someone who allows me to completely relax (?)
For me, this trip wasn't just a simple meeting.
It was like a secret journey to "freedom."
I had to go to great lengths to cover my tracks so my elders wouldn't discover my real destination. Even though they weren't physically present, that sense of invisible surveillance never disappeared.
I planned my itinerary meticulously, afraid that any slip-up would lead to them finding out, followed by another barrage of questions and accusations.
But when I finally met the friend I wanted to see, all the stress and worries seemed to just melt away during those few short days.

A Craving for True Freedom and a Life of My Own

Those few days, I was truly happy.
I hadn't been this happy in a very, very long time.
We talked a lot, but what we actually did wasn't the most important part.
The most important thing was that, there, I could relax and be myself, without worrying about being questioned or criticized the next moment.
That feeling of freedom was like a warm light, illuminating my long-suppressed heart.
This happiness meant a great deal to me.
It reminded me what true freedom and happiness look like.
It proved to me that even though my life is challenging right now, beauty still exists, and I am worthy of pursuing it.

I'm writing all this down not just to share my experience, but also to create a record for myself.
This process of searching for freedom and happiness while walking a tightrope might be difficult, but I will strive to persevere.
I hope that one day in the future, I can truly have my own freedom, no longer needing to be so cautious, and be able to love and live openly and frankly.
All of this is an effort towards the "complete freedom" that I long for.